It's time for me to come clean about something I'm not proud of. Despite my wanting to get my act together and finally get back into a routine of healthy eating and being active-- it's all just words. Once I log off my computer, I plop my much bigger booty in front of the TV, and start whoring around with the junk food in my house. Yes, I said whoring around with junk food. Chips, cookies, ice cream, candy-- you name it, I've taken it up as a lover.... sometimes putting entire packages into my body all at once.
At first, it was just once in a while. A little backslide into old habits to deal with the fact that I'm lonely and missing Jason. Then, it became once a week...
I'm up to multiple days a week now. People, yesterday I ate an ENTIRE tube of Pillsbury-Cinnabon Cinnamon Rolls for breakfast... they were cooked. Don't worry, I had enough restraint to wait until they were fully cooked....
But then, just a few short hours later I went to brunch with friends-- devoured my entire plate and came home and passed out. If I'm not careful-- I'm going to turn into Jabba the Hut. I mean, let's be real-- the double chins are already starting to come back.
Before I fell into my food coma yesterday, I went to Target to pick up a few things and stopped to check out the clothes. A cute dress caught my eye on the clearance rack. I picked it up, and tried it on. Well, tried it on is an exaggeration. I got it pulled over my head-- and it wouldn't come past my belly. :( This isn't the first time this has happened either.
Lately, I've been wearing my "fat clothes" again, because my other clothes aren't fitting as well. And, last week I pinched a nerve in my back. It took much longer to heal this time-- because of the extra weight I've put on kept putting stress on it during the night, while I slept.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because I need someone to know that I haven't been so honest about my eating and workout habits. Sure, I have a sense of humor about all this... I mean, I can't sit around crying about it because I'm the reason this is happening. But I need someone to know that I'm choosing a pint of ice cream and TV over an hour of working out. And that I'm scared about it!
It's taken me quite a while to figure out what's behind this new troubled relationship I've been having with my refrigerator.... and I think I've finally figured it out. My depression is finally starting to sneak back in.
For those of you who have been reading from the beginning, you know it was only last year that I started seeing a therapist, and began dealing with some major issues from my childhood. The doctor had put me on a very mild antidepressant, and recommended a therapist to me. After 3 months of treatment, I started feeling so much better. My confidence was back to a level I recognized, and I was motivated again. I'm fairly certain, it was that confidence that got me this new job.
But despite searching for four months in my new town, I have yet to find a therapist that works for me. It's a very different scene down here. A lot of them aren't established yet-- and are attached to UC Davis. I simply can't afford to pay $100+ a session every two weeks. The lack of having an unbiased party to talk to has started to take it's toll on me. My life isn't hard by any means-- but I do have some serious baggage that needs to be dealt with. And not dealing with it has caused it to fester, now some of those irrational feelings have started creeping in-- making me a lot less confident. And that in turn is making me less motivated to do my day to day chores, write blogs, workout, or make healthy dinners.
I knew this transition was going to be hard... and I'm happy I made the decision to move to another station. Career-wise, it was a great choice. Personally, it was good to get back out of my comfort zone-- but emotionally, I'm starting to think this may not have been the right choice. It's two pros against one con-- so in the Rory Gilmore Pro-Con List world, I made the right choice.
The search for a Sacramento therapist continues....
As far as my health goals go.... this morning, I decided to give fitness yet another try. I did a great workout, made a healthy breakfast, and grabbed my computer to give you guys an update. I'm hoping this time everything sticks.... but despite the visual reminders around the house, my Polish stubbornness will dictate what actually happens :)
I hope you're all having a lovely Sunday. And Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful women out there!
Disclaimer: For those of you new to this blog-- please don't judge. I'm not one of those people who needs to put my business out there, for you to take pitty on me. Quite the opposite. I talk about my issues because I know I'm not alone. If there are others out there with this problem-- I hope I give them something to relate to, and some inspiration to better themselves.
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