As a kid, I enjoyed being outside. My brother and I would explore the neighborhood and the park downtown on our bikes. There wasn't a moment we weren't outside. And then, in Middle School-- my love of being physical stopped-- and I started to become chubby.
-- Big is Beautiful --
Growing up in a large family of larger women, I was always told that "Big is Beautiful." I learned to love myself and my body for what it was. And I never saw anything wrong with being a little bigger. I had a "happy weight" and I was truly happy with it.
I've always been "bigger". I'm 6'2", and I weigh over 300 lbs. I had to learn at a really young age that I was not going to be like most girls.
[At age 10] I started shopping in the Juniors department. The junior's section was a tough place to shop at 10. The clothing is much more "mature" than the girls department. It was hard not to fit in with the other girls my age.
[At age 13] I was shopping in the Women's department. At this time, I had stopped telling people where I got that cute outfit. I would say, "I don't know, my mom bought it for me." I was tired of the, "Oh" reaction.
I've always been "bigger". I'm 6'2", and I weigh over 300 lbs. I had to learn at a really young age that I was not going to be like most girls.
[At age 10] I started shopping in the Juniors department. The junior's section was a tough place to shop at 10. The clothing is much more "mature" than the girls department. It was hard not to fit in with the other girls my age.
[At age 13] I was shopping in the Women's department. At this time, I had stopped telling people where I got that cute outfit. I would say, "I don't know, my mom bought it for me." I was tired of the, "Oh" reaction.
[At age 16] I was shopping in the Plus-sized Department. I had stopped asking friends to go shopping with me. And when they asked me to go shopping with them, I would come home with a cute sweatshirt/shirt.
It became tough to find clothes that looked my age. Call me crazy, but I didn't want to walk around looking like a model for "Christopher Banks" or Old Ladies-R-Us. And despite my family's message of "Big is Beautiful", being "unique" was starting to make me feel like an outsider. I became very self conscious, and started spending much of my time in track pants, t-shirts and over-sized sweatshirts.
It wasn't until college, that retailers started to wake up and realize that not all young girls are a size 2. I got to experiment with my fashionable side. And, since I was the "biggest" girl in my group of friends, everything I owned was one of a kind. Still, whenever anyone asked where I got my cute shirt, dress, or shoes. I would tell them my mom got them somewhere.
Embracing your size and loving yourself is wonderful. And it's something I was able to do through supportive friends. And as being bigger became more accepted, my need to hide where I bought my clothes fell by the wayside, which helped me to love and accept myself even more.
-- The Weight Roller Coaster --
Although I'd learned that "Big is Beautiful", I'd never really learned to take care of and love myself. Fitness and health conscious eating was not a lifestyle in my family, but being active was. Scheduled workouts and meals didn't exist. But, because I was active I would burn most of my calorie intake, so I didn't have to think about it.
When I went away to college, I didn't have a car. And for the most part, I walked everywhere. There were points in my college career, that I did look heavier than others. But almost instantly I would lose the weight, and trim down. I never really thought about health and fitness. Sure, I could probably stand to lose a few pounds. But from High School to College, I'd only gone up two sizes, from a size 14 to a size 18. And I felt happy and comfortable.
It wasn't until just out of college that I learned about emotional binge eating, and the effects it could have. I left college in December, and moved back home in January, for a job. Not a week after I had moved home did my Grandfather pass away. It was a very difficult time for me, he had been a very special part of my life and his death was very sudden.
I spiraled into a serious era binge eating. I found myself standing in the kitchen, eating everything in sight on more than one occasion. I'd always been an emotional eater. Comfort foods were just that, comforting. When I was homesick in college, or sad about a boy; I would turn to mac and cheese and ice cream. But this was emotional eating on steroids. I was literally shoveling everything I could find in my face. And, I was doing it all the time. Anytime there was a lull in the day, I filled it with eating.
It's been more than 5 years since my grandfather passed away, and the binge eating hasn't stopped. On days I'm sad, and sometimes even bored; I binge. I used to just snack. Now I binge eat. I know there's a problem, yet every effort to fix it has ended in a a fit of binge eating. This problem has cost me 100 pounds, Insulin Resistance, and a lot of frustration.
-- The Experiments --
I've tried countless times to lose weight. I've even attempted document my efforts through blog-form. Nothing has worked for me, and it wasn't until recently that I realized why.
I'm very good at researching and absorbing information. I'm also good at trying to prove people wrong. I've read and am a fan of many fitness and health blogs, and most of them I've tried to replicate. But here's the thing, what works for one person, doesn't always work for everyone. And because, what others were doing wasn't working for me, I would get frustrated, give up and go back to what I knew well: binge eating.
I'm very good at researching and absorbing information. I'm also good at trying to prove people wrong. I've read and am a fan of many fitness and health blogs, and most of them I've tried to replicate. But here's the thing, what works for one person, doesn't always work for everyone. And because, what others were doing wasn't working for me, I would get frustrated, give up and go back to what I knew well: binge eating.
So, when I revamped my blog, I decided it was time to revamp the way I do things. No more basing my health decisions on what works well for others. It's time to base my decisions on what works well for me. Because I am, after all, the one my decisions directly affect.
So, I'm going to continue to experiment with workouts, recipes, schedules, etc. And I'll be writing about it here, because I know that others can find inspiration in what I have to say.
I hope you'll join me as I continue this wonderful, yet at times frustrating journey. And I hope through it I can inspire you to get out there and do something wonderful for yourself, whether its fitness related or not.
