It's been about 2 years since we've had a working scale in the house. Well, working for me. Since that time, our scale has decided to guesstimate just how much I weigh. During our "Operation: Sweating for Seoul" mission, it was a bit annoying. But once Jason was off to South Korea, it kind of allowed me to slip back into my bad habits, and be come blissfully unaware of the damage I was doing to my weight loss progress.
I mean sure, I knew I had put on some weight-- because my clothes were a little snug, and my face was a bit more round. But I didn't really know how many pounds had made their way back onto my thighs...
Flash forward to two weeks ago.
"We need to buy a new scale." I said out of the blue one day after work, when we had stopped at the Wal-Mart across the street to buy a money order to pay for something or other.
"Why?" Jason asked. "Our old one works fine for me."
"Well it doesn't flash 'ERROR' every time you step on the damn thing," I said. Then hustled over to find a scale, grabbed one off the shelf, and hurried to the check out line to make it mine. We got it home, and it sat in a box for a day or two before we finally opened it, set it up and stood on it.
I needed those two days to prepare myself, I had spent a year while Jason was gone, on an eating bender. I shoved so much pizza, and burgers, and french fries, and ice cream into my body while he was away-- and I did it without a care in the world.
Well, that's not entirely true. I did care, when someone managed to snap a photo of me. I could see that I had gotten bigger. But it didn't stop me for continuing to eat the way I was. In private of course, because if no one could see what I was eating-- then I could somehow justify it to myself.
So two days after we bought the scale-- I took a deep breath, stripped down to my skivvies, and stepped on it....
I gained it all back.... every single pound that I worked so hard to lose over the year before Jason left, it had all come back.
I can't say I was too surprised, because a few paragraphs ago I admitted to eating pizza like the world supply was running out. But, my heart did sink pretty far into my stomach. I was really mad at myself for ignoring all of my good eating sense, and my exercise routine to sit in bed watching endless amounts of old TV shows on Netflix and allowing myself to get back to a place where I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
Fast forward to the present moment...
I've just woken up from an afternoon nap, after completing my second 5K of the year, and the first in a series of 3 I will be walking in over the next few weekends. I've started working out every morning with Jason, and we've created a healthy meal plan that includes all of the food groups. I've lost a tenth of a pound, which may not sound like much, but it's something. And I'm working really hard to get my self-control back.
On Friday, I ate 3 doughnuts at work because they were staring at me. I was planning to ignore them, and I didn't even want them-- but I let the sugar demon inside me take over, and wound up over indulging. But you know what? It's ok, because this is a process. I'll get back to where I was one step at a time.
It's only been a week, and already I feel better physically. Emotionally, I am still mad and I shudder when I look to hard at myself in the mirror. My weight loss journal is helping a bit.... but I've also decided to seek out a therapist in Sacramento.
When I got here I was riding a high from a new job that I love, a new town I was so excited to explore, and the prospect of some new friendships-- that I didn't think I needed it. But there have been some bumps along the way that have reminded me that I still have some things to work on. My hope is to find someone I enjoy talking to, and get back on the path I was on before I started my eating bender.
I think sometimes it takes a rude awakening to remind us of our goals. I've got so many fun recipes and things I want to share on this blog, and I am hoping my renewed motivation will inspire me to get back on here, and write more.
One step at a time...